Enjoying a glass (?) of sherry on the terrace When seven years ago, I wrote an appreciation of my late sister here (see https://birdingcadizprovince.weebly.com/cadiz-birding-blog-page/in-memoriam-susan-cantelo-1947-2011) I already felt tendrils of fear that my wife, Liz, was not herself and was suffering from some sort of serious malady. Worse still, some of her symptoms mirrored those of my sister's fatal brain tumour. Eventually, over her protests that she wasn't ill, we got her to a doctor who quickly diagnosed the early onset of Alzheimer's; a tragic diagnosis for such a clever and talented person. Sadly, after a long battle with dementia, she passed away on Boxing Day 2018 and this is my clumsy effort to pay tribute to her.
Were we really ever that young? We met at Keele University in 1971 when I was quickly swept away by her sparkling blue-grey eyes, lovely smile and loving nature. They say opposites attract and in many ways that's what we were with the sum of us somehow making a greater whole. Where I'm loud, out going and disorganised, she was quiet, reserved and well-organised. I'm a hopeless monoglot but she had A-level French, a degree in German (with Economics which I failed at O-level) and obtained an A grade in O-level Swedish having taught herself the language is a few months (she then translated, for fun, one of the Moomin books then untranslated from the original Swedish). As a result of her studies, she could also read Norwegian, Icelandic and Dutch with some fluency. She also had a smattering of Italian, Czech and Hungarian (her accent in the latter language being so good that when we were in Budapest the locals were astonished that she wasn't one too). In retrospect, her inability to learn Spanish was a straw in the wind. We were married in 1975 and Liz quickly became a much loved (and admired) member of the Cantelo clan. In 1978 we settled in Canterbury where we've remained ever since.
Liz with another pig she liked! Born within a day of one another but three years apart we had a ritual whereby on my birthday (the first) she'd tell me she was now 4 years younger than me and then on her birthday I'd remind her that I was then only three years her elder and that, therefore, she'd aged a year overnight. Amongst the things we shared were a similar sense of humour, a love of books and reading and, although far more understated than mine, a similar political outlook. Her deep understanding of language helped me hugely in writing/editing the Crossbill Guides and her great good sense always provided a reliable touchstone. She was a great cook too which suited me perfectly as I I've always enjoyed eating! She also had a particular affection for pigs which just might explain why she got on with me so well. Above all, she was a wonderful homemaker - perhaps an underrated talent - and mother. That our two talented, clever and loving daughters, Gemma and Anna, have turned out so well is in largely down to her thoughtful nurturing. When I was ill with stress-related depression, I couldn't have had a more thoughtful or considerate partner. Always kind, all too often she put herself before others. Despite her quiet nature, she charmed and was loved by all who met her. Much though I loved her when we met ours was, I believe, a love that continued to grow throughout our marriage. Well into the fifth decade of our relationship she still had the uncanny ability to give me a certain look or little smile that could make my knees wobble (although of late that just might have more to do with my increasing age). The trick of our happy marriage was, I discovered early on, to agree with Liz since, annoyingly, she was usually right.
Trujillo, Extremadura She was not always right, though. Misled by tales of ‘sun, sand and sangria’, she resisted going to Spain for years but once there she soon fell under its spell. I cherish the moment when gazing across yet another gorgeous view in Extremadura, she turned to me and said, tongue firmly in cheek, “Why did you never tell me Spain was so beautiful?” Together we discovered and fell in love with the village of Alcala de los Gazules in Cadiz province where we enjoyed many holidays in our little townhouse there.
A rare non-birding moment in 2008 on our terrace in Alcala. Whilst she tolerated my birding escapades with undeserved good humour persuading her to love birdwatching took much longer. However, the chattering of Lesser Kestrels and the melodic babbling of Bee-eaters over our terrace in Alcala quickly converted her where my efforts over the decades had failed. In Alcala, she was always happy to welcome birders to our terrace to share 'our' Lesser Kestrels although I was never quite sure which amused her most, the antics of the kestrels or the birders!
Liz in the Roman sewer, Medina Sidonia She was my constant companion and source of much wisdom and even more love for 47 years. A long, cruelly one-sided battle with dementia robbed her of so much but what persisted almost to the end was her sparkling eyes and heart-stoppingly beautiful smile which allowed her to win everyone’s hearts even after she was unable to communicate verbally. That she never suffered any pain was a great comfort as was the fact that she quickly became unaware of her tragic circumstances. Against the odds and despite the circumstances, her last years were happy and contented. She did become agitated at times but rarely suffered the bouts of aggression that regularly afflicts some sufferers. Even then a timely hug or cuddle usually returned her to her happier self.
Still holding hands ...... Repeated hospital admissions and multiple problems arising from her illness meant that, with great reluctance and on the insistence of Social Services (worried for the safety of us both), she moved to Whitstable Nursing Home in February 2018. That she was cared for under the NHS Continuing Care scheme helped me to accept just how ill she had become and that keeping her at home, as I wanted, really wasn't possible. Happily finding Whitstable Nursing Home proved to be a stroke of great good fortune as the staff there looked after her superbly. That wonderful smile again did its trick. I went out to see her every day to help with her lunch (she could no longer feed herself) or just to hold her hand. Despite the excellent care she received, she was admitted to the hospital again at the start of December with pneumonia but, against the odds, she survived and returned to the nursing home. She seemed to be recovering but the pneumonia returned. She gave the Grim Reaper a hard fight battering and blunting the blade of his scythe for longer than anyone could have imagined. Sadly, she grew weaker and weaker until she quietly passed away in the early evening on Boxing Day 2018. As I sit here typing this tribute I still keep thinking she's still here just out of sight. It's still hard not to turn and ask her for advice.
I must also pay tribute to the extraordinary kind support I've had over the past few years from the birding community (both in Kent and elsewhere), many friends (on and off-line), our neighbours (in Canterbury and in Alcala) and, most touchingly, my former students. There are simply too many to name them all individually but exceptions must be made of birders Brendan Ryan & Chris Cox (who kept me [relatively] sane by regularly taking me birding) and, online, Harry Hussey (whose kind concern often helped), our Alcala friends Claire & Bob Lloyd (for relieving any worries about our house in Alcala), my UK neighbours David & Jan (don't pop in on Burns Night without arranging to be carried home) and Gemma-across-the-road (for many kindnesses) and former students Sharon & Sara (of Goodfellas barbers), Georgie Moon (manager of Ecco shoes) and Joanne Delo-Taylor (who's finally forgiven for talking throughout her History lessons). Most touchingly another former student, Larry Warren, has raised funds for Alzheimer's Research by doing walks in Liz's name; next time I will join you Larry. Dirk Hilbers (Crossbill Guides) and my old birding school friend, Phil Gregory, helped enormously by distracting me with texts to write/edit/proof read. The latter also helped with sage Antipodean advice when things got on top of me. I could not have managed the last few years without your help.
Anna, Liz and Gemma
I am also deeply grateful to our local branch of "Bill's", where Liz and I often ate, whose extraordinary kindness to us both has been quite humbling. The Collins Unit at AgeUK Canterbury gave me time and space when I much needed it. Above all, though, I must give thanks to my brother Anthony for his unstinting support (and totally unbiased match reports about
the Saints) and our two daughters, Anna and Gemma (supported by our daughter-in-law Jayne), for giving me strength when I weakened. There is, and there will remain, a huge Liz shaped hole in my life but the kindness of so many will be a balm to what still seems an unstaunchable wound. Despite the painful sadness that overwhelms me at Liz's passing, I cannot but feel blessed at being surrounded by so much love and kindness. It's said that you reap what you sow but I can never have sown so much and what little I have sown has been reaped a hundredfold.
the Saints) and our two daughters, Anna and Gemma (supported by our daughter-in-law Jayne), for giving me strength when I weakened. There is, and there will remain, a huge Liz shaped hole in my life but the kindness of so many will be a balm to what still seems an unstaunchable wound. Despite the painful sadness that overwhelms me at Liz's passing, I cannot but feel blessed at being surrounded by so much love and kindness. It's said that you reap what you sow but I can never have sown so much and what little I have sown has been reaped a hundredfold.
If you find this blog and my birding notes on Cadiz Province helpful then, if you’re so inclined, when using them to explore the birdlife of the region please raise a glass in her memory for, without her, they wouldn’t exist.
Should you be so kind as to wish to make a donation to AgeUK or Alzheimer's Research UK in her memory then our daughter, Anna, has set up a webpage here for that purpose
Should you be so kind as to wish to make a donation to AgeUK or Alzheimer's Research UK in her memory then our daughter, Anna, has set up a webpage here for that purpose
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